warrior

in a word all i can say
its that i want to forgive you
for the past that i don't want to carry
with me anymore
a past i have held on to for so long
a past that i did not want to remember
but i also did not want to forget
because i did not want to make the same mistake twice
but how could i really
when no one could ever replace you
or fill the void you had left in my life
you were the one person that i needed the most
yet you turned your back on me
turning away from me
as if i was nothing
as if i was not important at all to you
as if it did not matter to you what i had felt
for so long till now
i have held on to the pain
of wanting you to know
what you had done to me
what you had taken from me
what you had denied me from ever knowing
that which you had stolen from me
even if it had not been your intention
how was i supposed to know
what you were thinking
nothing really makes sense to me
even if i were to have an understanding
it still would never make up for the time that was lost
for the times when i needed you the most
the times when depended upon myself
people might think that i was better off
even i thought so
people might think that i was stronger for it
going through this pain
but it has left the scars
that i cant seem to hide
no matter how hard i try
i still live with them
and they run free
in those moments where i have no control
i know that it is pointless
in trying to make you pay
for your mistakes
but nothing can ever be undone
and nothing can make up
for what you have never given to me
but this is not my intention to punish you
or to make you feel worthless
or to enact any kind of revenge on you
because i don't have the strength inside of me anymore
to keep holding on
to this pain
that you have caused me
it was never my choice
but how i lived with the consequences of your actions
was my decision
i did the best i could
with what i had been given
to survive for as long as i could
it has taken me this long
to find a sense of peace
even though the heartache
will never subside
i now understand better
that i cant keep fighting
the past
because it is holding me back
from being free
from feeling guilty
for something i did not do
that is your guilt that you can carry
i am here to say that i forgive you
and i hope someday you will find peace
with the choices you made in your life...

the truth about love

part one

intermissions

the days pass by

so effortless yet draining my soul

as time never stood still long enough

for me to catch up

i keep falling behind

never being able to look up at the sky

wondering whether today will be the day

the day that it will all come to ahead

but to my own dismay

i am blocked from within

never truly being able to set myself free

or set myself apart from the rest

i am just a fool

this i know for certain

a blind trusting naive soul

wanting to believe that there is good in this world

wanting to believe that the fairy-tale is possible

wanting to believe in the magic that is the fantasy

but the reality

is so much more uglier and real

than i could ever have imagined it to be

and i have not even touched the surface

the lies and the deceit

lie abundantly clear 

upon the surface of our dreams

and we are mesmerized 

living under the spell

the world has cast upon us

this is all just a game

cant you see

in those moments

we learn whom the players are

but we never know their agendas

well until its too late

for you to save yourself

so what are you to do

with the truth

will you accept the fact 

that there is no truth

or would rather live the lie

because it is safer to live

in fear

than live a life 

being free...

love is not smart...

nobody could say it any better than annie lennox and the eurythmics:

Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love love
Is a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff

It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

in that moment...

in the silences

a question of love
what does it mean
how far are we willing to go
love can give you the strength to survive through the worst challenge
you have had to face till now
love can also drift away
and disappear into the darkness
leaving you empty
with nothing to fill the void
the spaces in between
but how do we measure love
when in a split second everything changes
from a time when there was hope
when it seemed that things were looking so much better now
than ever before
so much better than when we were trying to kill ourselves
believing that this time it will be different
but nothing really changes
a lesson failed
a lesson never learnt
doomed to repeat the mistakes we have made in the past
too many reasons
why it seems inevitable that we will fail
but love is merely those moments
and it takes a master weaver
to bind them all together
but we are now lost more than ever before
when nothing seems real
its all fake and everyone is just pretending to be something they are not
when anything can happen at any point in time
to remind me that it was all but a dream
but i will admit that i keep buying into the fantasy
hoping beyond all hope
that someday it will all make sense
that all the sacrifices have been worth it
i don't believe they have any idea
of what love really means
of the effect it has had on all our lives
how it has driven people to lengths that they would never have crossed before
if it had not been for the love
that blinded them
from seeing the forest for the trees
but so do we all fall pray to the power of love
buying into the illusion of love
i have only known one moment of sanity
when love did not exist within me
when i was void of any feelings
when i was not controlled by the emotions
that always end up getting me into situations
that i was never prepared for
i don't know what is real
and what the truth is supposed to be

but what is real and what is fake
when pain has become the only truth we all know
and i would rather choose a life without pain
not feeling that all hope has been lost

so you can take this heart from me
you can take the wisdom from me to know what the difference is
between right and wrong
you can take all the love from me
because what purpose does it serve
when life is so fleeting
and in a moment everything changes
the only chance we have to hold on to that perfect moment
is to capture it
but how can you hold on
when that moment fades away too quickly
and i am tired of trying to hold on to
that which was never mine in the first place
why must i keep fighting to hold on
when i am the only one still holding my hand out
while the rest of the world has left me alone here in the dark
its not worth getting invested
when everything is one sided
this might seem like the musings of a disillusioned soul
but the reality is
that nothing is truly as it seems
and even though i would so much want to believe the lie
the truth is all that i am left with
in the silence
i know nothing is real...

nothing more beautiful

rebekah del rio is one of a kind...if this song does not bring a tear to your heart, then you have no right to say you have a heart...

that particular time

"That Particular Time"

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to definewhat you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time