the truth about love

part one

intermissions

the days pass by

so effortless yet draining my soul

as time never stood still long enough

for me to catch up

i keep falling behind

never being able to look up at the sky

wondering whether today will be the day

the day that it will all come to ahead

but to my own dismay

i am blocked from within

never truly being able to set myself free

or set myself apart from the rest

i am just a fool

this i know for certain

a blind trusting naive soul

wanting to believe that there is good in this world

wanting to believe that the fairy-tale is possible

wanting to believe in the magic that is the fantasy

but the reality

is so much more uglier and real

than i could ever have imagined it to be

and i have not even touched the surface

the lies and the deceit

lie abundantly clear 

upon the surface of our dreams

and we are mesmerized 

living under the spell

the world has cast upon us

this is all just a game

cant you see

in those moments

we learn whom the players are

but we never know their agendas

well until its too late

for you to save yourself

so what are you to do

with the truth

will you accept the fact 

that there is no truth

or would rather live the lie

because it is safer to live

in fear

than live a life 

being free...

love is not smart...

nobody could say it any better than annie lennox and the eurythmics:

Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love love
Is a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff

It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

in that moment...

in the silences

a question of love
what does it mean
how far are we willing to go
love can give you the strength to survive through the worst challenge
you have had to face till now
love can also drift away
and disappear into the darkness
leaving you empty
with nothing to fill the void
the spaces in between
but how do we measure love
when in a split second everything changes
from a time when there was hope
when it seemed that things were looking so much better now
than ever before
so much better than when we were trying to kill ourselves
believing that this time it will be different
but nothing really changes
a lesson failed
a lesson never learnt
doomed to repeat the mistakes we have made in the past
too many reasons
why it seems inevitable that we will fail
but love is merely those moments
and it takes a master weaver
to bind them all together
but we are now lost more than ever before
when nothing seems real
its all fake and everyone is just pretending to be something they are not
when anything can happen at any point in time
to remind me that it was all but a dream
but i will admit that i keep buying into the fantasy
hoping beyond all hope
that someday it will all make sense
that all the sacrifices have been worth it
i don't believe they have any idea
of what love really means
of the effect it has had on all our lives
how it has driven people to lengths that they would never have crossed before
if it had not been for the love
that blinded them
from seeing the forest for the trees
but so do we all fall pray to the power of love
buying into the illusion of love
i have only known one moment of sanity
when love did not exist within me
when i was void of any feelings
when i was not controlled by the emotions
that always end up getting me into situations
that i was never prepared for
i don't know what is real
and what the truth is supposed to be

but what is real and what is fake
when pain has become the only truth we all know
and i would rather choose a life without pain
not feeling that all hope has been lost

so you can take this heart from me
you can take the wisdom from me to know what the difference is
between right and wrong
you can take all the love from me
because what purpose does it serve
when life is so fleeting
and in a moment everything changes
the only chance we have to hold on to that perfect moment
is to capture it
but how can you hold on
when that moment fades away too quickly
and i am tired of trying to hold on to
that which was never mine in the first place
why must i keep fighting to hold on
when i am the only one still holding my hand out
while the rest of the world has left me alone here in the dark
its not worth getting invested
when everything is one sided
this might seem like the musings of a disillusioned soul
but the reality is
that nothing is truly as it seems
and even though i would so much want to believe the lie
the truth is all that i am left with
in the silence
i know nothing is real...

nothing more beautiful

rebekah del rio is one of a kind...if this song does not bring a tear to your heart, then you have no right to say you have a heart...

that particular time

"That Particular Time"

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to definewhat you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

what must i feel???

we reap what we sow

in a word it might seem so simple
but nothing is as simple as it seems
even if you tried your worst not to over-think it
it still haunts your every thought
your every dream at night
a feeling of hopelessness
feeling that even though i try so hard
maybe its just not good enough

born into a world
where i cant even recall how i found my way here
when i am seriously thinking i have completely lost my way
but still i try to make the best
with what i am surrounded with
to do the best with what this world allows me to experience and feel
but i have no control
over the actions you perceive
and the consequences of the deeds you commit
yet still i am bound
to merrily cruise around with you
stuck in this hell hole

as if this was my choice
as if this was my reason for being happy
as if this was the beginning and the end of my journey
but no
how misguided must i be
when nothing ever became clearer to me
and the scars left by your so called reason for calling yourself my guardian
was such a slap in the face
that i would never ever be able to recover
from that which you have taken from me

you stole my trust
you stole my hope
to believe that i am worthy of love
because you denied
me the right to be loved
why now then do i have to extend you the same courtesy

do i believe that it is better to forgive than live with the hatred
of what you did to me
is it better or easier to think
that i have ever forgotten what happened to me

in time the power is lost
but my memories
the fact that it even happened in the first place
will never ever be erased from
my minds eye
even if i tried to fill up the void with new dreams
with new loves
there is no chance for me, because i live in fear
that i will go through all of this once more
and i don't have the energy for it

i don't have the heart
to endure that kind of pain anymore
it is easier not to love
it is easier not to care
but i can't change who i am
i might have found peace in a sense
inside of myself
but i am damaged
and there is no fixing what was once broken

the cracks remain
irrespective of whether
the world believes that everything can change for the better
but i don't believe its true
not when you have seen what i have seen
you might think you know better than me
you might think that there is always a resolve or solution
to any problem
that might arise
but you can never take away the past

it has been cast in stone
and there is no going back
we all have to live with our own guilt
and seek remorse
and hope that someday we can make amends
but let me put your mind at ease
not now nor will i ever
make you feel any better
for what you did
that is your cross to bear

and so i play my part as well
the relentless victim
the lost soul
the hopeless one
in a word you were never my father but just a stranger

poet: leon de klerk

lost loves revisited...

"Simple Together"

You've been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can't go to you for consolation
Cause we're off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things
I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken
You've been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god's face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can't stop dropping everything
I thought we'd be sexy together
Thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But I was sadly mistaken
If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe
I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken
Thought we'd be exploring together
Thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
Thought we'd be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

in the beginning

well i seem to have found my way on to another road of self discovery...kind of nervous and uncertain of what lies in store for me, but i should at least by now be a pro at this...but i certainly have no disillusions about what too expect, yet i remain hopeful that with every new chapter of my life i can become more bold and take more changes and fear less the unknown that i call the world as i know it...so i guess i have another sounding board, a place i can call my own, a place i can call home, a world where it does not matter what i say or what i think because i serve no threat to anyone, because i believe every person should have the right to be free to express themselves in any way they want to, as long as it does not harm any other person in any way directly or indirectly...so i guess there is more to come my way, for now i will leave you with this thought.

is it possible to live in two different worlds and lead two different lives, but are you able to keep up both sets of lies???