what must i feel???

we reap what we sow

in a word it might seem so simple
but nothing is as simple as it seems
even if you tried your worst not to over-think it
it still haunts your every thought
your every dream at night
a feeling of hopelessness
feeling that even though i try so hard
maybe its just not good enough

born into a world
where i cant even recall how i found my way here
when i am seriously thinking i have completely lost my way
but still i try to make the best
with what i am surrounded with
to do the best with what this world allows me to experience and feel
but i have no control
over the actions you perceive
and the consequences of the deeds you commit
yet still i am bound
to merrily cruise around with you
stuck in this hell hole

as if this was my choice
as if this was my reason for being happy
as if this was the beginning and the end of my journey
but no
how misguided must i be
when nothing ever became clearer to me
and the scars left by your so called reason for calling yourself my guardian
was such a slap in the face
that i would never ever be able to recover
from that which you have taken from me

you stole my trust
you stole my hope
to believe that i am worthy of love
because you denied
me the right to be loved
why now then do i have to extend you the same courtesy

do i believe that it is better to forgive than live with the hatred
of what you did to me
is it better or easier to think
that i have ever forgotten what happened to me

in time the power is lost
but my memories
the fact that it even happened in the first place
will never ever be erased from
my minds eye
even if i tried to fill up the void with new dreams
with new loves
there is no chance for me, because i live in fear
that i will go through all of this once more
and i don't have the energy for it

i don't have the heart
to endure that kind of pain anymore
it is easier not to love
it is easier not to care
but i can't change who i am
i might have found peace in a sense
inside of myself
but i am damaged
and there is no fixing what was once broken

the cracks remain
irrespective of whether
the world believes that everything can change for the better
but i don't believe its true
not when you have seen what i have seen
you might think you know better than me
you might think that there is always a resolve or solution
to any problem
that might arise
but you can never take away the past

it has been cast in stone
and there is no going back
we all have to live with our own guilt
and seek remorse
and hope that someday we can make amends
but let me put your mind at ease
not now nor will i ever
make you feel any better
for what you did
that is your cross to bear

and so i play my part as well
the relentless victim
the lost soul
the hopeless one
in a word you were never my father but just a stranger

poet: leon de klerk